If I Scream in a Forest Alone - Do I Even Make a Sound?

So here we are. With much more time having passed than I meant.

You see, I have this habit. My brain goes hardcore into a project. I get amped up. I do the thing. Then a few weeks later something in life happens. A schedule change. A shift in my mood. And the project gets lost.

I never meant for that to happen with this. But here we are.

And at least so am I.

But today I wanted to go over something that has nothing to do with my IBS (shock and awe!).

There has been this heavy weight of sadness and guilt washing over me this week. You see, like this project, I wanted to do a thing. I got into an exercise schedule, not for any weight loss ideals, but to keep my anxiety at bay. Just something active for me to do and get out of my head - I used to do theatre, roller derby, soap making, etc and every now and again I just need something fresh to try.

And I did the thing. For two weeks straight, I found classes I liked and could do. I signed up with a personal trainer to learn some new things to attempt (or fail, whatever). And I would go to these classes, full of great people, I would do the class, listen to music, go home and continue my night.

And it truly helped me. I don't know if it was the being active or just being so rigid in a schedule but it was helping.

Then we get to this week. And I have not been to a class in a week. Now note, nothing has happened or went wrong. It is just the same old brain. It found something else shiny to focus on and suddenly my time isn't doing the thing anymore.

But here is the true issue. To be blunt - I am a fat girl. And most days I am okay with that. I have been a fat girl my whole life. I have dealt with the teasing. I have faced my bullies. I have faced myself.

But after so many years - my brain doesn't shut up about it. It remembers every sting. It remembers every well-meaning friend or family member. It recalls me being the "good fatty" for so long.

And here I am. Just wanted to get some movement in my life as I spend my days in a cubicle. And it wasn't meant to turn into the "good fatty" guilt. But there it is. My brain is telling me that I am bad and should feel bad for not going to a class in a week.

This is not a guilt from ANYONE outside of my brain. No one in class asks why I am not there. They don't jump at me and demand to know where I have been if I miss a few in a row (or even a year, which I had to do a few years ago due to finances).

It is just my brain. Telling me I am a disappointment to myself. I am a disappointment to those family and friends that don't want me to be the fat girl. And a disappointment to that girl inside that was bullied and doesn't want to be the fat girl.

Being my size hasn't hindered me in my life. I go do theatre. I work burlesque. I have done roller derby. I make videos. I have fun. I write, sing, and dance.

Aside from IBS - my health is just fine. I donate blood regularly. I get my check-ups for my meds and to keep up with my body. I have a loving (now husband). I have a good support system with family and friends.

But damn this brain. I can't always shut it up. And sometimes it definitely wins. And as I sit here typing all this out - I have been continuously kicking my own ass in my own head.

I keep telling myself I am just making excuses. And man, if you just kept up with your classes on a regular basis - guess what? you wouldn't have to be that fat girl anymore.

But being the fat girl isn't the issue. It is just the issue that the brain latches onto.

I just want to be happy with who I am. I want those times where I am happy with who I am to take control of my brain when it gets like this. Remind myself what I like about myself.

I don't want to sit here and cry and feel like a failure just for not molding myself into some beauty standard that was planted in my brain stem from an early age.

I am not sure what my end result was with typing all this out - I just needed to get it out. Whether it shuts the brain up or not.

It is hard to carry these types of things in your head without unloading it. And while I do talk to my husband, mother, and friends when I feel this way - I don't want to be a burden either. I don't want to leave them frustrated or angry because there isn't anything they can do to help me out of this.

It isn't fair to make them carry this as well.

I know I need to learn to forgive myself. I need to learn to be okay to just take care of myself mentally when I need to - even if that means going away from a thing I enjoy for a week.

Take this blog - nearly a year after my last post and it is still here. And I can always come back.

Even if no one else reads it.